| add me |
[07 Aug 2002|08:19pm] |
i have a new journal. user name = you_squared. i'm adding all of my current friends to that list, so if you don't mind can you add my new name to yours?
i don't think i'll write in this journal anymore. maybe, maybe not. who knows. i sometimes don't stick with what i say i'm going to do.
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| arghhh |
[07 Aug 2002|09:33am] |
ihateyou
i hate you
I HATE YOU
ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
go away.
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[06 Aug 2002|10:09am] |
xMeGriNx: nevermind, I'm a dummy
xMeGriNx: a dumdumhed
xMeGriNx: I'm still a little cocked
xMeGriNx: heheheheheheheh
Perhaps allowed: HAHA
Perhaps allowed: did you even go to bed?
xMeGriNx: yesss
Perhaps allowed: oh ok, well that's a good thing
xMeGriNx: for like 2 hours
xMeGriNx: but I'm still buzzed is all
xMeGriNx: like woohoo buzzeroo
xMeGriNx: hahaha that was so dumb
Perhaps allowed: you geeky girl
xMeGriNx: hehehehehehe
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[05 Aug 2002|01:48pm] |
Name ]: nicole renee carr martin
[ Nicknames ]: nikki, neekole, nicool, & tomato.
[ Born in ]: providence, r.i.
[ Resides in ]: attleboro
[ Good student? ]: slacker
[ Eyes ]: brown
[ Hair ]: brownish-red
[ Shoe size ]: 8 to a 9
Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: probably last night
[ Said "I love you" and meant it ]: on the telephone with eric a little earlier
[ Ate at mcdonald's ]: yesterday on my break.
[ Dyed your hair ]: gosh, uhh, october maybe? err. i dyed eric's last night.
[ Brushed your hair ]: uhh, the other day.
[ Washed your hair ]: last night
[ Checked your e-mail ]: a few minutes ago
[ Cried ]: saturday.
[called someone ]: 11 this morning
[ Smiled ]: when i talked to eric on the phone.
[ Laughed ]: last night
[ Talked to an ex ]: last week.
Do You...
[ Smoke? ]: not cigarette
[ Do drugs? ]: ganja & acid
[ Have sex? ]: only with eric. my first & last (hopefully)
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? i sleep with ducky. eric gave him to me.
[ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ]: boyfriend. i love you.
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: yeah, the one where i go into a record store & don't know what to buy.
[ Play an instrument? ]: i wish.
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: i'm torn.[Remember your first love? ]: i'm with him
[ Read the newspaper? ]: sometimes
[ Have any gay or lesbian friends? ]: a lot.
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: not for me. not right now.
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: not really.
[ Believe in God? ]: no
[ Pray? ]: nope
[ Go to church? ]: never again.
[ Have any secrets? ]: a few
[ Have any pets ]: no
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you? ]: of course.
[ Wear hats? ]: yes. i adore hats.
[ Have any piercings? ]: industrial, & my lip.
[ Have any tattoos? ]: a little star on my inner forearm. but, i have my next 3 planned out & as soon as josh yelle gets some supplies, i'll have those three done.
[ Hate yourself? ]: i love myself, i hate my body.
[ Have an obsession? ]: art. i am obsessed with art. & with purchasing music.
[ Have a secret crush? ]: nope, my crush is eric & it's pretty out in the open.
[ Collect anything? ]: junk
[ Have a best friend? ]: deanna, eric, ellen. <3<3<3
[ Like your handwriting? ]: sometimes.
[ Have any bad habits? ]: i bite my nails like they're candy. & i'm my worst critic. i have the worst self confidence
[ Care about looks? ]: i care about mine.
[ Boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: they're important, but they're not the only thing i look for. they're not even the first thing i look for.
[ Friends and other people? ]: i wouldn't want to hang out with all beautiful people. they'd make me look even worse.
[ Believe in witches? ]: i guess...
[ Believe in Satan? ]: no
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: i don't know
Current:
[ Dress ]: pajamas.
[ Mood ]: hungry. stuffy nosed.
[ Make-up ]: masacara, i started getting dressed.
[ Music ]: the tv in the backround.
[ Taste ]: the saliva on my lip
[ Hair ]: it's cute & fluffy.
[ Annoyance]: my back is hurting
[ Smell ]: my dirty room
[ Thought]: i hope eric sleeps over
[ Book ]: alduous huxley's 'a brave new world' & thom wolfe's 'the electric kool-aid acid test.'
[ Fingernail Color ]: plain, without nail polish or anything.
[ Refreshment ]: coke. or fruit punch ssips. water.
[ Worry ]: that maggie & i would get caught at our petty act of vandalism.
[ Crush ]: <3eric<3
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: i don't believe in celebrity. but, my favourite person that most everyone knows has to be jack black. or john cusack. ahhh, i love high fidelity.
[ You Touched ]: myself
[ You Talked to ]: my mom. but if you mean in conversation form, eric.
[ You Hugged:] eric
[ You Instant messaged:] dave or ryan
[ You Yelled At ]: probably my mom
[ You Had A Crush On ] eric
[ Kissed ] eric
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[05 Aug 2002|11:00am] |
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mood |
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1. name? nicole with one L
3. location? attleboro, Massachusetts
4. religion? athiest
5. occupation? artist. fast food employee.
APPEARANCE
1. hair? brownish, reddish, thinking of going black. i dyed eric's black last night. it's hott.
2. eyes? brown
3. height? 5'7, 5'8
STYLE
1. clothing? the stuff i wear on my body
2. music? indie rock, hardcore, fun stuff. mod music is the best 'cause it's so fun.
3. makeup? mascara, & this pretty face. no makeup here, pshhahhh. hehe, just kidding, folks.
4. bodyart? one tattoo (three others in the works). my lip, & my "industrial".
RIGHT NOW
1. wearing? really disgusting pajama bottoms that need to be washed, & my scituate recreation center t-shirt.
2. listening to? saetia
3. thinking of? eric, & my hope for our slumber party this evening.
4. feeling? stuffy, kind of sick, sore, sleepy, & kind of lonely. but hopeful as well.
LAST THING YOU...
1. bought? a bag of fritos.
2. did? typed my response to the previous question
3. ate & drank? water & apple cinnamon oatmeal.
4. read? this question
5. watched on tv? the fast & the furious. fucking shoot me, there really wasn't anything on.
EITHER/OR
1. club or houseparty? 80's nite.
2. tea or coffee? the cappucino from mcdonalds.
3. high achiever or easy-going? easy going
4. beer or cider? butterscotch shnoppes
5. drinks or shots? bong hits.
6. cats or dogs? goldfish
7. single or taken? extremely taken
8. pen or pencil? pilot, p-700 fine tipped black pen. the only kind i use.
9. gloves or mittens? the rainbow mittens i bought with eric at a yard sale on thayer street for 50 cents because my hands were cold.
10. food or candy? chicken fingers & french fries.
11. cassette or cd? vinyl.
12. pot or cigarettes? i prefer the ganja. [team gonga, all the way, baby.]
13. coke or pepsi? i prefer coke at the moment
14. hard or mild alcohol? neither, ganja.
15. matches or a lighter? lighter
16. sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful? passions. didn't they cancel sunset beach anyway? it sucked.
17. rickie lake or oprah winfrey? neither.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
1. kill? a few select people.
2. shag? eric. and only eric.
3.sleep with? eric, hopefully tonite.
4. who do you want to hear from? eric, of course.
5. get really wasted with? 20 oz crew. haha. we smoked many bowls together last night.
6. tickle? eric, cause he never lets me tickle him. but i guess i don't blame him.
7. look like? nobody. fuck that. i want to just look like me.
8. be like? nobody.
9. avoid? i have a long, extraordinarily vast list.
FAVORITE
1. food? chicken fingers & french fries.
2. drink? coke
3. color? purple
4. album? hmm, that's a toughy. i have so many.
5. shoes? my hella worn out maroon converse all stars.
6. site? livejournal. and justanotherscene, when it was working.
7. dance? the hammer dance.
8. song? "moth eaten deer head". favourite song of the week, right eric?
9. vegetable? french fries.
10. fruit? apple pie.
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[05 Aug 2002|12:42am] |
I love: eric
I hate: too many people
I cry: more than i should.
I fear: losing him to other girls.
I hope: to be with eric for many years.
I feel alone: right now.
I kill: people in my mind.
I talk: way too much
I listen: to my fan that is beside me
I break: up my food into little pieces
I see: this screen.
I smell: my nose.
I taste: fritos.
I work: more than i want to.
I remember: just getting donuts with you & talking about the simpsons.
I hold: onto you.
I hide: things i don't want people to see.
I pray: never.
I walk: way too much.
I drive: the gator sometimes.
I read: many things.
I burn: for you.
I breathe: air.
I miss: ellen. (an eric).
I learn: not to make the same mistake twice.
I feel: lonely. i miss eric. i want him here now.
I know: that i know nothing.
I said: i love you.
I have: a runny nose.
I want: eric. right now, in a very compromising fashion.
I fall: for eric, every single time he flashes me that smile.
I await: getting the fuck out of this house
I need: more cash
I live: to see each day
I die: a thousand lonely deaths
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| and on and on the wheel turns. |
[05 Aug 2002|12:10am] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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closed hands-saetia |
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so, i actually did it. i didn't wimp out. i pierced the lip. i am actually sort of proud of myself for doing so. i've always been so afraid of pain, but whatever.
i spent pretty much my whole paycheck yesterday. i bought lunch for eric & i at applebees. that was really yummy. then we went to newbury comics & i purchased 4 compact discs. i was given a warning by a one abe scott that in the future, i was to stay out of newbury comics. well, you know, i didn't heed that warning one bit. & i was going to bring my avoidance of it up when he pushed the salesclerk out of the way to ring me up instead (being the cocky jerk that he is) but, i unfortunately lost my nerve. i felt like such a jerk. he has no right to tell me where i can & cannot go, but you know what, he didn't even say i couldn't go in there to my face, he told one of my friends. a friend who shouldn't even have to be in the middle. god, this whole situation makes me so angry to think about. at first i was regretful that he didn't want to be my friend anymore & didn't give me a reason, but now i'm just angry that he has no reason to hate me, & that it's not my fault that we're no longer friends. shit, i don't want to think about this anymore, whatever. goodnight, i'll write more tomorrow.
p.s
i had a nice night tonite. despite the fact that i'm super tired now. hehehe.
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[02 Aug 2002|03:52pm] |
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this is just way too much stress for me to handle. i can't deal with a psychotic mother who tells me to fuck off & calls me a little bitch, tells me she hates me, all because i tried to wake her up to get a ride to smarts. i had to walk in the thick heat. just like the other day. arghhh. she brought my whole day down. she's bringing my whole life down. i can't deal with her bullshit. i really do need to get out. out out out of my house. graduation & college are a little over a year away, & i can't deal with that. i need it to be now, so i can go away, so i can get out of the house. the fights with her are more than little tiffs. she's insane. she's not right. i don't wonder why my dad wanted out so many times. i just don't want to be trapped in that house anymore. this summer i've been home so little. i try not to be home. any excuse. she fights with me constantly. she invents reasons to argue, to make me look terrible. i wonder why she even had children, if they're such a burden. it seems we get in the way of the fun times she spends getting cocked (most likely in all senses of the word) with her white trash, gutter slut, disgusting friends. apparently, this morning, taking some lose to work who will most likely spend his paycheck on crack was more important than her own child. she actually berated me the other day because i didn't want to give her my last 20 dollars. i said to her that she spent some money on liquor just a few days earlier & she said "ohh, a whole 7.99." i said "well, if you hadn't been the beer you'd be closer to the 20 dollars you supposedly need." god, this has just been a terrible week. i guess nobody wants to hear my bitch. i'm really sorry.
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[01 Aug 2002|01:36pm] |
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i own "read music, speak spanish", the debut release from the desaparecidos, but i just got a craving to listen to the song "mall of america", even though i don't have the cd & i'm at smarts, so i downloaded the song & the quality is so poor. it's killing the song for me.
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[01 Aug 2002|01:23pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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the poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction=bright eyes |
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yesterday, i was thinking about how there is no such thing as normal, just typical. who defines normal? it is defined within a society, & the way such a thing is determined is a result in how many people look the same, dress the same, think the same. sameness is normality. a child with add is not "normal", whereas a child who can sit still is. the society defines this & puts the hyperactive child on medication. there are all different types of normal, in all the different societies this world has to offer. if there are so many different versions of normalcy, which is correct? in europe, it's normal for women to refrain from shaving their underarm hair, but such a thing is unheard of in this country. who is correct? nobody, the removal of underarm hair is just a typical thing in the states, & the avoidance of the act is typical in europe. neither nation is correct in what they determine is normal, because there is no such thing. where would one determine the boundry between normal, & abnormal? they wouldn't, plain & simple.
there is no such thing as normal.
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[31 Jul 2002|12:32pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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it hurts my feelings to know you read HER journal & not mine.
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[29 Jul 2002|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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music |
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moth eaten deer head-the locust |
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i heart this ssips fruit punch juice box that i am currently devouring. mmmmm juice box.
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| i sold my soul to rock and roll. |
[29 Jul 2002|11:20am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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man and wife, the latter(damaged goods)-the desaparecidos. |
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i miss eric. he left for new york again. his grandpa died. i feel really awful that he had to go back on the most unpleasant of circumstances. this weekend i didn't do much at all. but friday night rocked my ass. i hung out with nick & dave. i gave nick this nice drawing i made for him & i gave dave the alkaline trio pin that i got for him. then, we went to newbury comics & i peer pressured dave into buying the saetia discography. little did i know, when i went back on saturday there wouldn't be any copies left. after newbury comics, we went to burger king to get a soda & shoot the shit. i urged nick to get coke, something we would all like, but that jerk got dr. pepper! (just kidding about the jerk thing nick, <3<3<3) grr, dr. MOTHER FUCKING PEPPER!!! grrr, i hate that stuff. then dave was all "i am buying you a soda." & i told him he could not, because i didn't really need one. sometimes dave is too nice, & i feel bad. i just had something to drink when i arrived home. but friday with them was very fun, & i wish that we can all hang out again really soon, such as co-ed slumber party 2002 at nick's house on wednesday???? yeah, that shit will be very fun. today, i am not doing much. i bought some new oil paints this weekend, & i started a painting last night before bed, so i want to go home & work on it. i left my brush in turpentine near the window last night so it would be clean & my bitch of a mother closed the window. i'm surprised she didn't fuck me up. that stuff is very strong. i want to go record shopping today. i have 40 dollars, who wants to come with me? oh oh & i'm going to get my lip pierced. dead center. it will be hott! you'll all want to rail me. yeah yeah i'm just kidding. i'm kind of hyper, so excuse my rapid pace of thought. i'm super hungry, i forgot to bring lunch with me here today. i'm going to buy myself a steak & cheese sub for lunch. yum yum yum. ok, time to go. bye bye kids. i'm going to update my ujournal now.
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[24 Jul 2002|07:42pm] |
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 cranky |
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music |
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Some Natures Catch No Plagues-saetia |
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yesterday was interesting. i went to six flags with eric. i was hoping it would be a great day, but then we got rained out. we were there for a while, & in the water park, ready to go get something to eat & it just started thundering & lightening & pouring. it was insane. we stayed a couple of hours after the rain started & then we left. the day was really fun, but hot, up until the rain ruined it, but i still had a really wonderful time with eric. he was in new york for about 4 or 5 days so i didn't get to see him, & that bummed me out. i was so overjoyed when he came back. over the weekend i had hung out with ryan a bunch & that was a lot of fun. we also hung out with moses on sunday, which was a treat for me, since i hadn't seen moses in a while. today, in smarts, there was this disgusting emo controversy & i don't even want to get into it because i get so angry just thinking about how ignorant these dumb 13 year olds are. anyhow, i've got to go. but, i suppose i'll write more later. <3<3<3
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[21 Jul 2002|09:09pm] |
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I WISH RYAN WOULD SHUT UP!!!
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[20 Jul 2002|02:42pm] |
grrr, eric if you're reading this, go on aim express.
(at www.aim.com)
so we can talk.
arghh, it's frustrating knowing you're online & not being able to talk to you.
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[19 Jul 2002|08:47pm] |
e-mail your answers to this question(xbeautifulmessx@yahoo.com), quick quick:\
what's one thing you've never told people but always sort of wanted to?
i'll tell you if you tell me.
:)
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| give me the goods |
[19 Jul 2002|08:23pm] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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music |
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artificial light-rainer maria |
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follow up question:
do you boys that pick blue as your favourite colour fancy any particular shade, such as baby blue, or navy blue?
if so, let me know... yo..
haha.
thank you muchly.
<3<3
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[19 Jul 2002|01:33pm] |
playing catch-up with you is oh-so-fun.
no more games.
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| on the road again... |
[19 Jul 2002|01:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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the heart is a lonely hunter-the anniversary |
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ah, what can i say? this morning i was thinking of my middle school years, & how i was SO obsessed with the band no doubt. it was a crazy time in my life, i was such a dork. i was watching this thing about them on much music last night & it made me think of how much i used to love that band, & how they still hold a very firm spot in my heart. but, disreguard return of saturn, such a bad album, in my opinion. anyhow, i wanted to be gwen stefani & i wanted to do gavin rosdale, i was such a silly 11 year old girl. now i don't want to be anybody but me, & i want to do eric grieshaber. i was also thinking about how... oh shit, i lost my train of thought. golly, i'm silly. now i have to try & remember what i was thinking. yes, but, anyhow i was a super nerd in middle school. i think my musical taste has progressed quite a bit. no more watered down ska-pop for me. haha, like i've progressed so much. now i listen to watered indie-rock. silly, silly me. i don't know, i've just been thinking about the past & it was interesting to think of. maybe in so many years i'll look through this thing, & wonder "what the hell was i thinking". maybe i'll be happy about who i was when i was 17 years old, & so naive. i know i'll think i was naive, i know i will. i don't think i am now, but surely that will change. it always changes as you get older & older. i think about how i'm going to be a senior in high school & how i have to start looking at schools & planning my life and i am so fucking scared of the future. i don't want to be anything like my mother, i don't want to fall flat on my face. i want to be happy, & artistic, & in love. i'm so in love right now. and i can actually sort of understand at this moment why eric doesn't want to think about the future. i'm on the cusp, & it is so frightening. he's there, he's forced to start planning his future, becoming involved with it, & he doesn't want his romantic future to cloud that up. he wants to live in the now, & come to it when he gets there. when he has signifigantly less to worry about. i want to think of my romantic future with him now, but who knows when i get to the point where he's at? he wanted to think of it before that too. so right now, i can thoroughly understand why he doesn't want to worry about very far down the road & it doesn't really bother me. i love him enough to take it one day at a time. i honestly have faith that doing so will make things better. even though they're positively fantastic right now. anyhow, i have to go back to smarts, i have to go do some more creating.
i love you eric, i can't wait for you to get back from stinky long island.
<3<3<3
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tsuki_sei's journal